Room to make a big mistake
Okay well here it goes, confession time. I need to relieve some of the guilt I have over this weekend. Saturday night (or should I say early Sunday morning since it was 3:45 am) the phone rings and I come rushing out of bed barely noticing the caller ID before I answered (usually calls in the middle of the nite are not good news, and I guess in this case it wasn't good news either). It was the ex, yes the man whose name we do not mention.... calling me at almost 4 in the morning... I thought he was in trouble or hurt but it turns out that I ended up in trouble and hurt. Conversation goes as follows:
Me: Hello (breathless from running and expecting the worst)
Him: Hey (very quietly)
Me: Are you okay? My heart is beating out of my chest.
Him: I'm okay why is you heart pounding?
Me: I thought you were hurt (stupid stupid why did I answer the phone...Argghhh)
Him: No, I'm fine (pause) I really love you a lot.
Me: (Pause Pause) (WTF?? WTF???) Ummm okay?!?
Him: Do you want to come over?
Me: (WTFFFFFF???)Why?
Him: Well I tried to holla at you a while ago but obviously you have some guy staying there with a truck!
Me: laughing...That's my truck( is he a stalker?)
Him: You bought a truck?
Me: Ummm YEAH!!!!
Him: I don't believe you, bring it over so I can see it
Me: (yeah right, don't do it don't do it) I don't know....
Him: It took a lot of courage for me to call you.
Me: Okay (stupid stupid stupid girl!)
Well as you can guess he didn't want to see the truck, he really wanted to see me naked! Now don't gross out I swear its true. And he said a lot of nice things and I asked about his "girlfriend" His reply being "I have 3 which one" The one with the Jeep. He says they don't mean anything to me. I should have bolted for the door, but I fell for it! Ladies I know I have a Master's degree and I graduated with honors, but obviously I am the stupidest woman in America. He said he missed me and most of the right things and then I fall into bed with him. God I am pathetic. I thought he wanted me back and in reality he probably just wanted to get laid. Do I have no self esteem at all? I said no for about a 1/2 hr but then I just give in...???? Him all the time asking are ya sure no one else is hitting this (Kodi that is Rez slang for am I sleeping with anyone else)
Why should he care, he never once said he wanted me back, just that he missed me. When it was over he turned back into his old self and I felt sick to my stomach. I told him about the changes I have made in my life (ya know since he said I was soooo negative) like I am going back to church and he said "what about Q?" I said he goes too and he says "That sucks" I then said well I don't really drink that much anymore either" (since that seemed to be our favorite past time and fuel for most of our fights) He says "well that sucks big time" but ya know he thinks I AM NEGATIVE! What the hell was I thinking? Most of my friends think I should change my phone number, but I should be adult enough to say no and Mean IT!!! And since he didn't call the next day maybe this is it!
All I know is that I am back at square one feeling all worthless and unlovable and worst of all its my own fault. I should have known better but I let my feelings for him cloud my judgment. And I am constantly reliving it and beating myself up about it. When will I learn?
Me: Hello (breathless from running and expecting the worst)
Him: Hey (very quietly)
Me: Are you okay? My heart is beating out of my chest.
Him: I'm okay why is you heart pounding?
Me: I thought you were hurt (stupid stupid why did I answer the phone...Argghhh)
Him: No, I'm fine (pause) I really love you a lot.
Me: (Pause Pause) (WTF?? WTF???) Ummm okay?!?
Him: Do you want to come over?
Me: (WTFFFFFF???)Why?
Him: Well I tried to holla at you a while ago but obviously you have some guy staying there with a truck!
Me: laughing...That's my truck( is he a stalker?)
Him: You bought a truck?
Me: Ummm YEAH!!!!
Him: I don't believe you, bring it over so I can see it
Me: (yeah right, don't do it don't do it) I don't know....
Him: It took a lot of courage for me to call you.
Me: Okay (stupid stupid stupid girl!)
Well as you can guess he didn't want to see the truck, he really wanted to see me naked! Now don't gross out I swear its true. And he said a lot of nice things and I asked about his "girlfriend" His reply being "I have 3 which one" The one with the Jeep. He says they don't mean anything to me. I should have bolted for the door, but I fell for it! Ladies I know I have a Master's degree and I graduated with honors, but obviously I am the stupidest woman in America. He said he missed me and most of the right things and then I fall into bed with him. God I am pathetic. I thought he wanted me back and in reality he probably just wanted to get laid. Do I have no self esteem at all? I said no for about a 1/2 hr but then I just give in...???? Him all the time asking are ya sure no one else is hitting this (Kodi that is Rez slang for am I sleeping with anyone else)
Why should he care, he never once said he wanted me back, just that he missed me. When it was over he turned back into his old self and I felt sick to my stomach. I told him about the changes I have made in my life (ya know since he said I was soooo negative) like I am going back to church and he said "what about Q?" I said he goes too and he says "That sucks" I then said well I don't really drink that much anymore either" (since that seemed to be our favorite past time and fuel for most of our fights) He says "well that sucks big time" but ya know he thinks I AM NEGATIVE! What the hell was I thinking? Most of my friends think I should change my phone number, but I should be adult enough to say no and Mean IT!!! And since he didn't call the next day maybe this is it!
All I know is that I am back at square one feeling all worthless and unlovable and worst of all its my own fault. I should have known better but I let my feelings for him cloud my judgment. And I am constantly reliving it and beating myself up about it. When will I learn?
Good advice, but I really don't want a f buddy. I need, want and deserve better than that! Soooo I will have to be strong and JUST SAY NO!!! IF the situation comes up again. Or just not answer the phone. But since he now knows there is no one else, maybe the challenge is gone?!
Posted by
shawnak |
10:39 AM
So, you messed up. You know you did, so don't let him manipulate you anymore. It is hard to completely let go of those people we loved so passionately for so long, even if they are total assholes. I see how he used those emotions to get you all twisted inside, like he used to do when you were together. Confront your mistake, learn from it, and don't let your defences down with him again. I don't think you should beat yourself up over it. Everyone slips up, especially when it concerns someone you cared for so deeply.
My ex-husband used to do the same thing to me, and I fell for it several times before I could find the courage to realize I needed to give up all of my emotional baggage I had with the man, love and hate, and only deal with him with ice in my heart. It worked. Eventually, I no longer cared what he said, or what buttons he pushed, I would stay calm and in control of myself at all times. It took me a long time to get to this point, and after he realized he couldn't manipulate me into free pussy or easy cash, he quit calling me. Hold on, don't dwell on the mistakes, and you will get through this, and all the other encounters with the bastard. Or I could come up there and kick his ass.
Posted by
Kodi |
10:42 PM