Against My Better Judgment
This is the post that was never to be. I have been silently struggling with this issue for over two weeks, wanting to tell someone but not wanting to disappoint anyone. So since I only have a couple of readers, I figured this was the best catharsis and cheaper than therapy… so here it goes.
I AM LATE! Not like late for an appointment or late for work, I am the kind of late that could change my life. My period is 21 days late…did you hear me people almost a MONTH late??!!! So as I am living my life, I happen to notice that I have an unopened box of tampons in my cupboard…hmmmm strange…. So I look at my calendar and low and behold the 9th of January has came and went…WHAT THA???? I look again and no I am not mistaken (at this point I am 2 weeks late) I try to make sense of it all but my heart and head are pounding…how can I be late, I have only been late ONCE in my life and that’s when I was pregnant with my son. WAIT WAIT pregnant??? NO, no way I am waaayyy to old to be pregnant, but what else is there? Ummmm cancer, tumor, menopause (none of these sound too tempting to contemplate) so I focus on PREGNANT??? WTF? So I race off to the local store and try to slink down the feminine product isle without being seen, grab the first test I see and high tail it out of there (ummm of course paying for it first)
I make it home...pee and then WAIT for 3 excruciating minutes. What if I am? How will I afford another child? Oh god the dad, not a good choice...Who will babysit? When would I be due? I can't do this I am too old!!! What will it look like? Will it be healthy? I can't do this... What will people think? What will my Mormon family say? DING!!! Time's up. I creep to the bathroom take a deep breath and look......Negative! Negative.. negative.. Wait, why do I feel a little disappointed and wanting to cry? I didn't want this right, I couldn't possibly want this. I feel empty, but go on. case closed.
But then yesterday came and still no visit from Aunt Flow, so I went to my doctor and did another urine test(I am now 20 days late). She asked all kinds of questions about if it was a good thing and I could hear myself saying "It wasn't in the game plan" what am I a friggin' coach now?! Those aren't my words, but I still said them while a little piece of me died inside. I wanted to scream "I know I am not married and the father is an idiot, and NO I can't afford it, but DAMMIT is it wrong for a piece of me to want it to be positive, for a little piece of me to want to have life inside of me again when lately I have been feeling dead inside, is it wrong for me to long to hold a baby in my arms and know I am the most important person in their life, is it so wrong?" But there was no screaming on tears streaming down my face and my doctor thinking I was upset b/c I might be pregnant. WAITING WAITING DING!!! Negative again, aren't you relieved she asked... I just nod and cry some more. "What is it then?" I mumble and she says it could be many things...including being wrong. What? Wrong? " Yes if you still haven't started by next week I want to do a pregnancy blood to to be sure. If that is negative we will need to look at your thyroid and hormone levels" I thank her and walk out the door.
So my test was negative, but I could still be pregnant......this phrase rolls around in my brain for quite awhile as I am driving back to work, then I realize the alternative to not being pregnant means I could be in menopause and NEVER BE ABLE TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN. Could this be my last chance? I don't want my body to make that kind of decision for me. I always thought I had plenty of time to get married again and per chance have another child or at least have the option to, I am only 38!!! I know in my head that right now is not the ideal time to have another child, but is it my last chance and I wasted it? What do I hope for? And pssttt its a secret :)
I AM LATE! Not like late for an appointment or late for work, I am the kind of late that could change my life. My period is 21 days late…did you hear me people almost a MONTH late??!!! So as I am living my life, I happen to notice that I have an unopened box of tampons in my cupboard…hmmmm strange…. So I look at my calendar and low and behold the 9th of January has came and went…WHAT THA???? I look again and no I am not mistaken (at this point I am 2 weeks late) I try to make sense of it all but my heart and head are pounding…how can I be late, I have only been late ONCE in my life and that’s when I was pregnant with my son. WAIT WAIT pregnant??? NO, no way I am waaayyy to old to be pregnant, but what else is there? Ummmm cancer, tumor, menopause (none of these sound too tempting to contemplate) so I focus on PREGNANT??? WTF? So I race off to the local store and try to slink down the feminine product isle without being seen, grab the first test I see and high tail it out of there (ummm of course paying for it first)
I make it home...pee and then WAIT for 3 excruciating minutes. What if I am? How will I afford another child? Oh god the dad, not a good choice...Who will babysit? When would I be due? I can't do this I am too old!!! What will it look like? Will it be healthy? I can't do this... What will people think? What will my Mormon family say? DING!!! Time's up. I creep to the bathroom take a deep breath and look......Negative! Negative.. negative.. Wait, why do I feel a little disappointed and wanting to cry? I didn't want this right, I couldn't possibly want this. I feel empty, but go on. case closed.
But then yesterday came and still no visit from Aunt Flow, so I went to my doctor and did another urine test(I am now 20 days late). She asked all kinds of questions about if it was a good thing and I could hear myself saying "It wasn't in the game plan" what am I a friggin' coach now?! Those aren't my words, but I still said them while a little piece of me died inside. I wanted to scream "I know I am not married and the father is an idiot, and NO I can't afford it, but DAMMIT is it wrong for a piece of me to want it to be positive, for a little piece of me to want to have life inside of me again when lately I have been feeling dead inside, is it wrong for me to long to hold a baby in my arms and know I am the most important person in their life, is it so wrong?" But there was no screaming on tears streaming down my face and my doctor thinking I was upset b/c I might be pregnant. WAITING WAITING DING!!! Negative again, aren't you relieved she asked... I just nod and cry some more. "What is it then?" I mumble and she says it could be many things...including being wrong. What? Wrong? " Yes if you still haven't started by next week I want to do a pregnancy blood to to be sure. If that is negative we will need to look at your thyroid and hormone levels" I thank her and walk out the door.
So my test was negative, but I could still be pregnant......this phrase rolls around in my brain for quite awhile as I am driving back to work, then I realize the alternative to not being pregnant means I could be in menopause and NEVER BE ABLE TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN. Could this be my last chance? I don't want my body to make that kind of decision for me. I always thought I had plenty of time to get married again and per chance have another child or at least have the option to, I am only 38!!! I know in my head that right now is not the ideal time to have another child, but is it my last chance and I wasted it? What do I hope for? And pssttt its a secret :)
