Against My Better Judgment
This is the post that was never to be. I have been silently struggling with this issue for over two weeks, wanting to tell someone but not wanting to disappoint anyone. So since I only have a couple of readers, I figured this was the best catharsis and cheaper than therapy… so here it goes.
I AM LATE! Not like late for an appointment or late for work, I am the kind of late that could change my life. My period is 21 days late…did you hear me people almost a MONTH late??!!! So as I am living my life, I happen to notice that I have an unopened box of tampons in my cupboard…hmmmm strange…. So I look at my calendar and low and behold the 9th of January has came and went…WHAT THA???? I look again and no I am not mistaken (at this point I am 2 weeks late) I try to make sense of it all but my heart and head are pounding…how can I be late, I have only been late ONCE in my life and that’s when I was pregnant with my son. WAIT WAIT pregnant??? NO, no way I am waaayyy to old to be pregnant, but what else is there? Ummmm cancer, tumor, menopause (none of these sound too tempting to contemplate) so I focus on PREGNANT??? WTF? So I race off to the local store and try to slink down the feminine product isle without being seen, grab the first test I see and high tail it out of there (ummm of course paying for it first)
I make it home...pee and then WAIT for 3 excruciating minutes. What if I am? How will I afford another child? Oh god the dad, not a good choice...Who will babysit? When would I be due? I can't do this I am too old!!! What will it look like? Will it be healthy? I can't do this... What will people think? What will my Mormon family say? DING!!! Time's up. I creep to the bathroom take a deep breath and look......Negative! Negative.. negative.. Wait, why do I feel a little disappointed and wanting to cry? I didn't want this right, I couldn't possibly want this. I feel empty, but go on. case closed.
But then yesterday came and still no visit from Aunt Flow, so I went to my doctor and did another urine test(I am now 20 days late). She asked all kinds of questions about if it was a good thing and I could hear myself saying "It wasn't in the game plan" what am I a friggin' coach now?! Those aren't my words, but I still said them while a little piece of me died inside. I wanted to scream "I know I am not married and the father is an idiot, and NO I can't afford it, but DAMMIT is it wrong for a piece of me to want it to be positive, for a little piece of me to want to have life inside of me again when lately I have been feeling dead inside, is it wrong for me to long to hold a baby in my arms and know I am the most important person in their life, is it so wrong?" But there was no screaming on tears streaming down my face and my doctor thinking I was upset b/c I might be pregnant. WAITING WAITING DING!!! Negative again, aren't you relieved she asked... I just nod and cry some more. "What is it then?" I mumble and she says it could be many things...including being wrong. What? Wrong? " Yes if you still haven't started by next week I want to do a pregnancy blood to to be sure. If that is negative we will need to look at your thyroid and hormone levels" I thank her and walk out the door.
So my test was negative, but I could still be pregnant......this phrase rolls around in my brain for quite awhile as I am driving back to work, then I realize the alternative to not being pregnant means I could be in menopause and NEVER BE ABLE TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN. Could this be my last chance? I don't want my body to make that kind of decision for me. I always thought I had plenty of time to get married again and per chance have another child or at least have the option to, I am only 38!!! I know in my head that right now is not the ideal time to have another child, but is it my last chance and I wasted it? What do I hope for? And pssttt its a secret :)
I AM LATE! Not like late for an appointment or late for work, I am the kind of late that could change my life. My period is 21 days late…did you hear me people almost a MONTH late??!!! So as I am living my life, I happen to notice that I have an unopened box of tampons in my cupboard…hmmmm strange…. So I look at my calendar and low and behold the 9th of January has came and went…WHAT THA???? I look again and no I am not mistaken (at this point I am 2 weeks late) I try to make sense of it all but my heart and head are pounding…how can I be late, I have only been late ONCE in my life and that’s when I was pregnant with my son. WAIT WAIT pregnant??? NO, no way I am waaayyy to old to be pregnant, but what else is there? Ummmm cancer, tumor, menopause (none of these sound too tempting to contemplate) so I focus on PREGNANT??? WTF? So I race off to the local store and try to slink down the feminine product isle without being seen, grab the first test I see and high tail it out of there (ummm of course paying for it first)
I make it home...pee and then WAIT for 3 excruciating minutes. What if I am? How will I afford another child? Oh god the dad, not a good choice...Who will babysit? When would I be due? I can't do this I am too old!!! What will it look like? Will it be healthy? I can't do this... What will people think? What will my Mormon family say? DING!!! Time's up. I creep to the bathroom take a deep breath and look......Negative! Negative.. negative.. Wait, why do I feel a little disappointed and wanting to cry? I didn't want this right, I couldn't possibly want this. I feel empty, but go on. case closed.
But then yesterday came and still no visit from Aunt Flow, so I went to my doctor and did another urine test(I am now 20 days late). She asked all kinds of questions about if it was a good thing and I could hear myself saying "It wasn't in the game plan" what am I a friggin' coach now?! Those aren't my words, but I still said them while a little piece of me died inside. I wanted to scream "I know I am not married and the father is an idiot, and NO I can't afford it, but DAMMIT is it wrong for a piece of me to want it to be positive, for a little piece of me to want to have life inside of me again when lately I have been feeling dead inside, is it wrong for me to long to hold a baby in my arms and know I am the most important person in their life, is it so wrong?" But there was no screaming on tears streaming down my face and my doctor thinking I was upset b/c I might be pregnant. WAITING WAITING DING!!! Negative again, aren't you relieved she asked... I just nod and cry some more. "What is it then?" I mumble and she says it could be many things...including being wrong. What? Wrong? " Yes if you still haven't started by next week I want to do a pregnancy blood to to be sure. If that is negative we will need to look at your thyroid and hormone levels" I thank her and walk out the door.
So my test was negative, but I could still be pregnant......this phrase rolls around in my brain for quite awhile as I am driving back to work, then I realize the alternative to not being pregnant means I could be in menopause and NEVER BE ABLE TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN. Could this be my last chance? I don't want my body to make that kind of decision for me. I always thought I had plenty of time to get married again and per chance have another child or at least have the option to, I am only 38!!! I know in my head that right now is not the ideal time to have another child, but is it my last chance and I wasted it? What do I hope for? And pssttt its a secret :)
Shawna, I pause at my computer wondering how I can put into words all that I want to say to you. First off, if you're pregnant, and a small part of you wants to be, then mormon family be damned and be happy. I am a happier person by far now that I have stopped trying to make the religious side of my family approve of all my actions. I for one would love to see you have another child. And I can tell you from experience that the money works out somehow when you're expecting. Secondly, if you're not pregnant, make sure you follow up on the doctor visits, but I wouldn't worry yourself sick. My mother went through menopause early (her late 30's) so it wouldn't be unheard of. Also, take into consideration your stress levels lately and the diet change. That can throw your rhythms off big time. Relax, if you can. I've been 3 weeks late before, and I'm sure it was all stress. I never told anyone in the family but about 5 years ago, I got pregnant. But at 2 months along I miscarried, and I went through the whole gamit of emotions. Relief at first,then total and debillitating sorrow. It almost destroyed my marriage because my husband didn't react to the miscarriage the way I thought he should have. Anyway, give me a call anytime if you need to talk. Let me know whats up, okay. I'll email you my cell #. Love ya.
Posted by
Kodi |
8:43 PM
WOW - Man I should have read your blog earlier! So now a month later the verdict is?
BTW it is not unusual for your period to start skipping 10 to 15 years prior to Menopause! So don't panic!
UPDATE CHICK! Don't leave me hanging!
Posted by
OMH |
7:24 AM