A day in the life of...

Hi Trishie, Thanks for the kick in the butt to blog again. Well the last month has truly been a struggle and my mama always said if you don't have anything nice to say...well you know the rest. Blogging was not the only thing I was slacking on last month, I was also slacking on eating right and working out. Since I wanted this to be a weight LOSS type blog, I was embarrassed about my progress(or lack there of). SO here it is, I have gained, lost, re-gained, and lost a little of 5 lbs for about a month now. I am so frustrated at myself and my apparent lack of will power. Instead of having on Wheat Thin, I have the whole box, or one piece of pizza, I have 4. AGHHHH.. this has been my problem my whole life and I am sooo sick of it.

It seems as like if I don't have this HUGE pressure to the lose weight (like the wedding), I just eat whatever I want. It makes no sense since I worked so hard to get the first 25 lbs off, that I would sabotage anymore weight loss. Is it because I have soooo much more I want to lose (75lbs), is it that I have no man in my life to impress, is it that I am afraid if I DO lose all the weight I want, I still won't be attractive to the opposite sex, am I just lazy????????????? The answer to all of those questions is YES YES YES!!!! I need to get rid of my self-sabotage and emotional eating, but I am not sure how to do that.

On a more positive note, I have joined a gym and have been working out 3 times a week. Whereas before I didn't do any kind of exercise, I can now stay on the elliptical for 20 minutes...WHO HOOOOO. Believe me people that is no small feat for me, when I started at only 6 minutes. I am very excited about my trip to Utah to see all of my family, whom I haven't seen for 6 yrs. I miss them so much. So there you have it my Wah Wah blog. hopefully next time I will have a more positive post to ummm Post

Posted by shawnak at 11:24 AM | Permalink | Comments

Well the wedding was beautiful...cold but beautiful. Well I preface this with it was beautiful after roadside assistance came and got my car keys out of the trunk so we could get the bouquets out of my car, 30 minutes before the wedding was supposed to start :O. I was bawling my eyes out when I had to call the bride to tell her, only to find out the groom had forgotten the WEDDING RINGS at home which is 30 minutes away. SO yay the attention was off me.

I got many the compliment of how beautiful I looked...even from the EX...duh duh duh DUHHHHH! His mom and step-dad kept coming up and telling me how they wish it were he and I walking down the aisle and that out of ALL the girls he has brought home they like me the best and considered me to be their daughter. Awwww. I like them, but Too bad so sad for him. I can't wait to see the pictures to see if every one was lying to me. I am sure the heaving bosom was a big hit..hee hee.

Well now that the pressure of looking good for the wedding is off, it has been hard to stay on this diet. I have only lost 2 more pounds, for a total of 26. But I did join a gym and have been working out HARD at least 4 times a week. SO I have been telling myself that I have just gained muscle, but in reality I have been eating more carbs than I should have. SO I am trying to get back on program, but I am also considering going back to Weight Watchers. They now have a pgm where you don't count points, so it makes me curious to see what that is about.

Can't wait until June 16th when I get to go see my family in Salt Lake. I can't wait to see them all and reminisce about all of our fun times, like making up songs about my cousing Shane, singing in the back of the pick up, and walking to the rez to swim. FUN TIMES!

Posted by shawnak at 2:59 PM | Permalink | Comments

SO the diet is going good. I am down about 24lbs...Yay :) And tomorrow is D-day, AKA the wedding. I still hate the dress, but I look WAAAY better in it then when is twas picked out. I even had it taken in...who'd of thunk it?? My boobs are still heaving over the top a bit (the other girls don't have this problem) but I'll just have to go with it.

Oh yeah and its an outside wedding and guess what the forecast says...yep chance of rain and 56 degrees. In strappy dresses, are you serious...yep I am serious. Hopefully it will pass b/c right now it is gorgeous outside.

I found this link on one of my blogger "friends" posts
youtube.com/watch?v=y UTJQIBI1oA&NR=1
(sorry don't know how to create the link) and I think you should check it out, even if you have never had weight issues. And i wish I could take her advice and just tell you all my weight b/c it IS only a number, but too scared. Or like my blogger "friend" Y, put my before and after shots on here but I don't know how to do that either, and again fear of being judged. Stupid I know, but it will come I am sure, like when I have lost 60 lbs and can say, can you believe I used to weigh that???

Posted by shawnak at 1:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

How do you like my new template? It took me forever to figure out how to do it, but I love it...and it makes me feel kinda smart that I did it myself.

Okay so to explain the title, I am working really hard to lose weight...I mean harder than I have in the past 1) because I feel like crap 2) because I am in a wedding in 3 weeks :O and have to wear a strappy dress 3) because my ex made a remark about my weight and by golly I'll show him. So my apologies that this might turn into the weight loss(hopefully) blog, but I am selfish and need feedback :)

SO I have lost 16lbs since the end of Feb and hope to lose welllll a lot more. I was doing Weight Watchers, which is great and it does work, but due to the up coming nuptials I have switched to extreme low carb, which I hate with every fiber of my being, but it is a quick fix. It makes me so moody that I want to kill those I love most in the world. And come to find out it isn't just me, research has shown that eliminating complex carbs from your diet decreases serotonin levels in your brain...YEAH the feel good drug of our bodies. SO not only am I hungry, I am depressed...yeah great combination I know. But I can do almost anything for 3 weeks, but come wedding day watch out people I am making a B-line for the cake and the keg. So skinny vibes and comments are welcome. Also if you know a good therapist...oh wait that's me...AHHHHHH

Posted by shawnak at 12:09 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by shawnak at 1:28 PM | Permalink | Comments

Only have a few minutes, so I will attempt to speed blog.

As for the update on my last post; there is no baby, there might have been, might have had a miscarriage (I cringe as I type this word), we aren't quite sure. I am very sad but also a little relived at the same time. Thank you guys for your comcern, it means a lot to me. I'm not trying to be blunt but my feelings are still a little raw and want to move on.

I may have a problem with my thyroid, it is producing too much...ummmm whatever it is supposed to produce. I have to go back for more tests the middle of March. Very scarey b/c a co-worker of mine was just diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Will keep everyone posted.

On a happy note, I got a new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Love Love Love it. It's a 2005 Pontiac G6, it makes me look HOT!!!! hee hee. My son is thrilled b/c he gets my 1999 Honda, he has been driving it for almost a year (yah I know he is 13 but we live in a small town).

My new job sucks, I cry weekly over it. Too much stress and expectations to handle in the two days that I am there. I have talked to my boss about it but he says "Oh you'll be fine" I'm not fine and I don't know how to get out of it. I love working for the school district in Lapwai and its hard to find a new job for only 2 days a week that pays worth a crap!

Hip Hip Hooray I am going to see my family in Utah this summer, can't wait!!! I am looking at June 17th to the 24th. Kodi will that work for you????

Oops times up will post more later

Posted by shawnak at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

This is the post that was never to be. I have been silently struggling with this issue for over two weeks, wanting to tell someone but not wanting to disappoint anyone. So since I only have a couple of readers, I figured this was the best catharsis and cheaper than therapy… so here it goes.

I AM LATE! Not like late for an appointment or late for work, I am the kind of late that could change my life. My period is 21 days late…did you hear me people almost a MONTH late??!!! So as I am living my life, I happen to notice that I have an unopened box of tampons in my cupboard…hmmmm strange…. So I look at my calendar and low and behold the 9th of January has came and went…WHAT THA???? I look again and no I am not mistaken (at this point I am 2 weeks late) I try to make sense of it all but my heart and head are pounding…how can I be late, I have only been late ONCE in my life and that’s when I was pregnant with my son. WAIT WAIT pregnant??? NO, no way I am waaayyy to old to be pregnant, but what else is there? Ummmm cancer, tumor, menopause (none of these sound too tempting to contemplate) so I focus on PREGNANT??? WTF? So I race off to the local store and try to slink down the feminine product isle without being seen, grab the first test I see and high tail it out of there (ummm of course paying for it first)

I make it home...pee and then WAIT for 3 excruciating minutes. What if I am? How will I afford another child? Oh god the dad, not a good choice...Who will babysit? When would I be due? I can't do this I am too old!!! What will it look like? Will it be healthy? I can't do this... What will people think? What will my Mormon family say? DING!!! Time's up. I creep to the bathroom take a deep breath and look......Negative! Negative.. negative.. Wait, why do I feel a little disappointed and wanting to cry? I didn't want this right, I couldn't possibly want this. I feel empty, but go on. case closed.

But then yesterday came and still no visit from Aunt Flow, so I went to my doctor and did another urine test(I am now 20 days late). She asked all kinds of questions about if it was a good thing and I could hear myself saying "It wasn't in the game plan" what am I a friggin' coach now?! Those aren't my words, but I still said them while a little piece of me died inside. I wanted to scream "I know I am not married and the father is an idiot, and NO I can't afford it, but DAMMIT is it wrong for a piece of me to want it to be positive, for a little piece of me to want to have life inside of me again when lately I have been feeling dead inside, is it wrong for me to long to hold a baby in my arms and know I am the most important person in their life, is it so wrong?" But there was no screaming on tears streaming down my face and my doctor thinking I was upset b/c I might be pregnant. WAITING WAITING DING!!! Negative again, aren't you relieved she asked... I just nod and cry some more. "What is it then?" I mumble and she says it could be many things...including being wrong. What? Wrong? " Yes if you still haven't started by next week I want to do a pregnancy blood to to be sure. If that is negative we will need to look at your thyroid and hormone levels" I thank her and walk out the door.

So my test was negative, but I could still be pregnant......this phrase rolls around in my brain for quite awhile as I am driving back to work, then I realize the alternative to not being pregnant means I could be in menopause and NEVER BE ABLE TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN. Could this be my last chance? I don't want my body to make that kind of decision for me. I always thought I had plenty of time to get married again and per chance have another child or at least have the option to, I am only 38!!! I know in my head that right now is not the ideal time to have another child, but is it my last chance and I wasted it? What do I hope for? And pssttt its a secret :)

Posted by shawnak at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments